Don’t judge me. I binge watched the new season of Selling Sunset on Netflix last weekend. 

 

It’s totally addictive, trashy, drama ridden, ‘reality’ TV, based around an estate agent in Beverley Hills. Incredible houses for sale, and glamorous, ridiculously over the top women, selling them. It’s very much about the relationships between the sales agents. There’s a lot of playground style, mean girl bitching and gossiping (I did say don’t judge me!) 

 

She’s not in the new series, but one of them, Christine, who used to be in it is particularly vile. She doesn’t seem to care about anyone else’s feelings, goes out of her way to be obnoxious and is unrepentant when challenged. She never accepts that she is wrong or out of order. She seems to enjoy being this way. 

 

While it makes good TV, she must be so difficult to deal with. 

I have experience of someone with similar traits in my life. Despite distancing myself as much as possible, and protecting myself from her bad energy, her actions still have a ripple effect that I feel. I try not to get wound up by what she does and have compassion – thinking that she can’t be truly happy in herself to behave in this way. 

 

The other thing that has helped me find her less challenging is to understand that she has narcissistic personality disorder tendencies/traits. She will never change. Her sense of entitlement is off the scale, and she will always put her own needs first. Trying to reason with her is futile, she has no empathy or compassion. Once I twigged onto this it removed a level of stress around her. 

 

Of course, not everyone who displays mean behaviour is a narcissist. If you’ve ever had to put up with bitchy colleagues or had any ‘frenemies’ (enemies posing as friends) you might have experienced behaviour that’s left a bad taste in your mouth. 

 

You might have had a bitch about people yourself. Especially if you perceive the world through the ‘not fair’ glasses of the green-eyed monster. You’re working your socks off and they seem to have it easy around something you are striving to achieve. Instead of sniping, hold up a mirror to yourself, look inside and see where that feeling is coming from. What can you change to make the thing happen? 

I saw this quote recently that really resonated. 

 

“People who repeatedly attack your confidence and self-esteem are quite aware of your potential, even if you are not.” Wayne Gérard Trotman 

 

It made me think about certain people in my past. Relationships that haven’t always been good for me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. 

 

When I was going through the Dark Years my confidence and self-esteem took a battering. Being the determined woman I am, I didn’t like this happening, and did everything I could to try and stop myself being completely crushed. I threw myself into my work and voluntary roles. I was the best I could possibly be at whatever I did. 

 

Often though, especially when you do well at things or you’re popular, it winds some people up. These people are usually unhappy in themselves and jealous of you in some way. Your success shines a light on their insecurity. They then take it out on you. Snidey comments, gossiping etc in an attempt to put you down. Keep you in your place. They can’t ever be happy for you because they’re not happy in themselves. Only hurt people, hurt people. (No one is perfect, so we need to check ourselves when these emotions crop up.) 

 

I know this now. I see what was happening. I didn’t have this awareness at the time. Every day felt like I was fighting a battle I could never win. 

 

If I ever feel envious of others these days, I take a long hard look at what I can change about what I’m doing to make the feeling go away. 

Distance is often a good thing. However, sometimes after distancing myself from people I’m struggling with, I’ve ended up missing them. it’s complex and not always easy. There have been several times where I’ve removed myself from people and situations and then wondered if I’ve cut off my nose to spite my face. 

 

It’s usually to do with my values of integrity and fairness. 

 

I have walked away from friendships, business relationships, voluntary positions and several job roles that weren’t aligned to these values. 

 

Sometimes it’s because I can’t turn a blind eye to what I believe is wrong. I might be asked to do something that goes against the grain and makes me deeply uncomfortable. Whereas others in the same boat will keep their mouths shut (but chunter later) I’m the one who’ll ask the questions and voice an opinion. 

 

Quite a lot of the time I’ve found that people will happily turn a blind eye if there’s something they personally gain from doing so. Often money and status are drivers. 

 

I think it’s called politics 🤔. I’m crap at playing the game though. I suspect there are times when saying nowt and keeping my head down could’ve served me better. 

 

In friendship terms I’m very loyal and it hurts to “break up” with someone I’ve invested in. But if there comes a point where it’s clear our values aren’t aligned, I find it hard to maintain that friendship. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss the good stuff we had though. 

 

This is when I might fleetingly question whether I’ve cut my nose off to spite my face. Even when I know deep down that I’ve made the right decision. I have to remind myself of why it was the right thing to do and not to have regrets. I am very thankful to be surrounded by a positive, caring circle of supportive women empowering other women and not to be working/living in a toxic environment of drama these days. 

If any of this resonates, I want you to take stock and give yourself a bit of self-care. Self-care takes many forms. Type it in an image search bar and it's all face masks, yoga mats and hands hugging a coffee mug. For some people it is about eating nutritious food and drinking lots of water every day, for others it can be regular trips to the spa. But if you’re affected by negative relationships or situations, you owe it to yourself to make the changes required. 

 

Could your haters be seeing your potential and trying to keep you small for their own reasons? Remove yourself from them if you can. At the very least find a way to protect yourself from their toxic attacks. 

 

Thankfully these days I have developed my Teflon coating. I have surrounded myself with people with good hearts who prefer to lift each other up than knock each other down. And now this is being extended with the ethos of the FAB Network. 

As for all the haters I’ve ever had (and those yet to come), I *know* that it’s less about me and more about them. I feel sorry for their unhappiness and bitterness. It must be a miserable existence. I forgive them. This is my mantra ‘HAPPY PEOPLE DON’T HURT OTHERS’ which is also a reminder to myself if I ever feel triggered. What can I change to make that feeling go away. It’s in my power to make those changes that are better for me. It’s the same for you.