I’m not going to lie I’ve been feeling a bit fed up with myself the past couple of weeks. I feel like I’ve let myself down and those little voices in my head have started chirping up and being all Jiminy Cricket with me. ‘It’s your own fault. What do you expect? You have to accept responsibility for your actions blah, blah, blah…’ Oh bore off Jiminy! 

 

I’ve put some weight back on. About half of what I’d ‘released’ in the first few months of last year. 

I thought I’d cracked it this time. I was choosing to love and honour my body – my affirmations are still stuck on my office wall – eating food that nourished and healed my body, every mouthful being an act of self-love… 

And with today being No Smoking Day it’s got me comparing what I’m doing now (self-sabotaging – that wonderful phrase used by us yo-yo dieters) to my smoking story. 

For 32 years cigarettes ruled my life to a certain degree. I was a proper Fag Ash Lil. They punctuated my day and cig breaks were something I had to plan in and make time for - especially once you couldn't smoke indoors. I always had to make sure that I had enough money in my purse for cigarettes, they were a priority above all else. 

 

It seems crazy to think now that these things that were proven to KILL people were such an important and non-negotiable part of each day. I’m pleased to say that I gave up just over 10 years ago now by the way. 

I’ve never really replaced that level of prioritising and planning with anything else in for any serious length of time – except maybe being a mum, but that’s only 21 years so far. For example, yoga has been on my ‘to do’ list forever. I started, when we hot lockdown last year but then over stretched and aggravated an old injury – it never made it back to the top of the list. 

For the record, I’ve never been one of those ‘fat and happy’ types, but I have learned to accept my plus size body over the years. I’ve learned how to dress for my shape so that I look and feel good in my clothes and not let the fact that I carry excess fat define me. It took quite a bit of work to get to this place of acceptance and it’s a big part of my ‘why’ with my work – I know what it’s like to not like what you see when you look in the mirror. (And yes, this is not exclusive to plus size women – there are all kinds of hang ups us women are dealing with.) 

 

However, the stark reminder of the fact that I’m in the morbidly obese category recently has shaken me up a bit. I got a letter to say that as a clinically vulnerable person (or carer of a clinically vulnerable person) I should book in for my COVID vaccination. I thought there’d been a mistake, but no, when I phoned my GP to check I was informed that my weight made me high risk. I had my first jab but didn’t feel like I should be sharing the ‘good news’. I felt a bit ashamed to be honest. 

I’m trying to be compassionate and not beat myself up for making choices that are at odds with my desire to re-release the weight I’ve put back. I’m still making healthy choices with food most of the time. It’s just evenings and weekends where I could make different choices that will get me back on track and put my health and well being up there as a priority. 

 

I am taking my own advice. 

 

These words are an excerpt from something I’ve written as a contributor to the I am a Woman Who (2021 edition) book published by Sandra Garlick MBE, which was launched this week. 

 

 

I’ve made a start on the being kind to myself by treating myself to things without calories. Little things that bring me joy – a couple of fancy pens and pink writing ink for them, beautifully fragranced hand cream to be kept on my desk and used regularly, bamboo socks, smelly candles, pampering soaks in the bath etc. 

 

It was unrelated, but I recently spoke with my coach about channelling ‘Luxury Lisa’ …I realised that all I need to do regarding that is ask myself what would my mum do? She always treated herself to the best of everything she wanted. She never made do with stuff and enjoyed life’s little luxuries. It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday and I’ll be thinking of her as I ask myself “how have I made myself a priority today?” 

 

So to summarise, I suppose my message to you this week is about reflecting – how do you prioritise yourself or are you making do? Remember that you are worth it.